Notice: The beatings will continue until morals improve

... why do people who are so kind and so sweet have to die so horribally and people who are absoluty terribal either live forever or die peacfully?

as i write this my aunt, almost my second mother, is lying in a hospital bed in a room no bigger then my bathroom and is dying slowly and painfully. she is terribally skinny and bald from the radiation therapy but she is still one of the prettiest things my eyes have ever held. why dose she have to suffer? what has she ever done?

i have gone to catholic school my whole life and they all say the same thing, "things happen for a reason. it is all part of God's great plan." if it all part of God's great plan then why dose it have to involve the suffering of someone who has devoted thier life to him? why dose she have to die this way? it just isn't fair! and the only way i get to see her or express my pain is in the silence of the night. my father has "refused" (as he really has any power over me) to let me or my mother visit her and her family in this thier time of great pain and sorrow.

do you have any idea how much it hurts to not see the person that practically raised you. and now she is dying and i can't be by her side to hold her hand for the last time, or kiss her cheeck, or say thank you for the years she spent looking after me as if i were her own. i know that soon the call will come that she has left us and i have preparing my self for that moment but every time i think i can handel it i just keep thinking that i'll walk on my closly approaching graduation day and there will be any empty seat in both my family section and my heart.

i don't want to be around for the call, i don't want to have to put on my best funneral attire and stand over a box that holds the remains of someone i admire. she IS a wonderful person, a honest perrson, a kind person, and a faithful mother, wife, and friend. how can you let someone like that go? how can you sit back while someone like that just slowly dies in front of you? it isn't fair!

i let go of God when my mom first got sick and ever since then nothing good has really happened to all the good people around me, things jsut got worse. how can i trn back to god when he can be so crule? was it me, was it because i turnrd away from him he decided to make life hell for all the good people in my life? if it was me then why not handel it with me directly? why fuck with every one else?

IT ISN'T FAIR!